It's already September

I can't believe the new school year has already started.  My boys are in school, growing as fast as weeds, climbing each academic year as fast as they can.  Me? I am not digging it.  I really don't care for the fact that my oldest will be in Jr High next year. I fear I will blink and he will be a Senior in high school and gone.  The twins still have a couple years thank goodness.

They are adjusting to this new life of just the 4 of us.  A new life where they are shared among their parents rather than thriving in an environment that is of a nuclear nature.  A life that they never asked for but was thrust upon them.  They do well....almost all the time. That is when I start to think that we have this and we are ok. Then, Bam!!!!  A cry, a pain, a sound.....and one of the boys brings the pain in their heart to my reality that I have so naively been trying to think is ok.  The pain of their heart is not one I can describe because their pain is my pain and my pain for them is unspeakable. There are no words.  It is utter devastation done at the hands of someone they trusted the most and now is the disneyland person of their world. While I, who stood steady, who is their security, who would die for them, take their beatings of self doubt and anger and unease.

What I can say, after that negative paragraph that I felt was filled with plenty of description, is that after a lot and I mean A LOT of therapy, they are better of with me alone and with him alone. Me alone because I had so much resentment for me being the only parent and it flowed down to them thru our everyday life.  He alway was on the computer unless he was cooking. That is it folks. I could never get him to go to anything with the family. It was a chore to him. He couldn't wait for them to go to bed so adult activities of alcohol and tobacco could be enjoyed without the eyes of innocents.

It has taken many months but I have discovered a whole new wonderful life with just me and my boys and NO resentment on the side. We laugh and play and have fun. And, we have problems and squirmishes and everything in between but I love it. There is no anxiety on the side, or nervousness on the side. It is ALL ME and the BOYS ONLY.  That is the positive to this negative equation - the joy I have now is uncompared to the joy then. Yes, I had a husband. But, he wasn't present from the time the twins were 6 months old until we parted ways.  I accommodated and I made excuses and I lived with constant resentment.

I have discovered that I accommodate. I always have. It's my pattern. Well folks, no more accommodating. Accommodating got me to here and that is not good. I need to be me and not care who gets upset about it. I have realized today that I am always going to make someone unhappy with my choices, my parents, my ex my children - you know what - I am ME and I OWN it and that is it! I won't apologize. 42 and finally finding herself. It's a gift, hard fought and won. But it is.

Love your children and enjoy every moment, every smell (good and bad) and every snuggle.  Do it without resentment because I've learned that the children, the innocents in this, deserve it. They deserver me to be accountable, reliable, there! That's it at its most basic level.

Summer has come around again

It has been 4 months since I last posted.  A lot has changed and a lot has stayed the same.

The good news is that I am stronger and happier than I have been.  I adore my boys and they have literally saved me, along with the love and support of my parents.  Friends have been major as well.  The ex has been one in which I am glad to be done with.  I didn't know it, but after a lot of soul searching and praying, we just are two way different people.  One who is selfish and arrogant and it took a lot for me to really realize it but it is true.

That person can't help it. That is the way they are. They are incapable of change, straight from the horses mouth. I can change. I am joyful, straight from my soul.  I am drawn to light and joy from others, my kids, my friends, new friends and so on.  I am not letting the latest yo-yo from the ex bring me down which is a big step. 

I am growing and thriving :)

After two years of intense emotional pain, fear and loneliness, I am about to the finish line.  I am so happy to be there.  The journey has been hard and no doubt I will have moments of weakness or steps back.  But, I am always moving forward. I have plans, I have a life, I have beautiful children, I have God.  I am very grateful.

Healing is slow

The long....slow.....process of healing is happening but like I said, it is long and slow.  So many different stages and feelings and mourning.  I have started back to work full time.  It has been liberating in a lot of ways.  I feel more independent and stronger.  My support system is insane!  It is so wonderful.  I am truly blessed by all the people in my life who love me and my kids and support us.

I didn't choose this for myself so it has been hard accepting the way my life was turned upside down, especially the way my kids lives were basically destroyed.  The party who did choose it appears to be happy as a clam and onto GF # 3.

I have come to see first hand, the selfishness that occurs with the behavior that has been done towards me and that has been hard.  It has been hard because the kids are NUMBER 1 with me and ALWAYS will be.  The other party can say that all they want, but unless it is backed up with actions, it means nothing. I have been shown that so many times and I always try to see the other side.  I can finally say I am done trying to see that side.  It is no longer a side of that person.

That person is searching for whatever gives it the feel good of the moment, the here and the now.  Not the future because that person doesn't know how to look beyond today.

I look beyond today and know my future is bright and happy with beautiful boys.  If my boys are all I ever have, that is beyond enough.  I desire love again, I desire companionship but I am content because I know that I am there for my boys no matter what.  No matter who I am seeing or what plans I might have, I will drop it all in a moment's notice to be there.  Always.

God has our backs.  He won't leave us.  I have prayed so many times for God to shine his light in this persons heart - I have quit asking that.  God knows what that person needs, I don't.  So I just give the person over and that is all I can do.

Faith, love, my kids...that's all I need.

The very ugly D word

I know that Divorce happens. I know people who have been thru it, seen people who have been thru it and while I have thought it sucks and is sad and how awful and thank goodness that is not me…..it is now me.  I am a statistic.  My kids are those kids with the divorced parents. They will answer the questions one day: "How old were you when your parents divorced?"  How depressing and sad.  I had such high hopes and quite frankly, no doubts, Ryan and I would be the ones who made it.  Nope.

When you have to realize your dreams have vanished before your eyes and go thru that grieving process, you are never the same.  Your kids are never the same. They will forever be tainted and damaged from this.  

I feel angry about this. I feel sad about this. I feel betrayed by this. I feel that life is not fair when it comes to this.  Life isn't fair though.  Life is full of hardships and betrayal and love and light.  It's a mix.  I try to bring that mix to my boys life and I try to give the love and light.  My boys will be ok.  I pray.  

I see the  hurt in them. I meet with their teachers and talk to their counselors, and even themselves, about their sadness. Their world was turned upside down and shaken and killed as they knew it. Unfortunately, their innocence was broken too early in their lives.  While that give me unbearable pain, and hurts my heart, I know that it will be ok.  For us all.  

God is in our home. God is in our lives. God will take care of us and protect us and He always loves us.  We will be ok, thru him.  I pray we walk his path.  

Still trying to cope and understand

After 9 months of living apart and filing for divorce and sharing kids and hating life, I see sometimes a small glimmer of happiness.  The ups and downs are unbearable.  All you want, all I want is to be loved again and appreciated.  Not by just anyone but by my husband. The one who was supposed to be there for me thru thick and thin, sickness and health.  I honored that commitment.  He did not.

I fought hard all last summer, 2014, for my family and my marriage.  Honesty was never a part of the whole picture on his side.  I found out the whole truth this last summer.  Ugly and painful as it was, and still is, I am glad to know the truth - I think.

I feel so alone. I feel so sad. At least I beyond the drifting aimlessly stage.  My life is still in flux but at least I pull myself together and know I will be ok.  I have to be for three boys who are counting on me for their love and stability.  My heart aches for them with a pain so deep and real that I can barely breathe sometimes.

I pity myself, I do sometimes.  I can't help it. I thought I had this life with three beautiful boys and a great husband.  Turns out, he showed his true colors several times and I ignored them.  I couldn't ignore them this time.  I had to stand up for me and the boys and take no more.

I am strong. I will be ok.  My boys will be ok. I pray every day to my heavenly Father and I know he has not forsaken us.

The days can be dark but there are some that are filled with bright light.  I cherish those days and know they will come more and more.

18 months of HELL

Have you been to the depths of hell on earth? Have you been so heartbroken that you don't think you will ever survive? That your heart will ever heal from its thousands of shattered fragments?  That is me.  I don't see light. I see darkness.  One person can betray and hurt you more than any other soul and that is your spouse. When that happens, your world is shattered and you lose your identity. Of what you thought you are and were.

18 months I have lived this hell.  I am surrounded by great friends and family but nothing compares to having your family back and that won't happen for me.

It makes for unbearable pain.

Life can hand you lemons when you least expect it

Here i was, living my life so happily.  Going to school and helping out with my kids classrooms.  Doing yoga, cooking dinner for my family.  Keeping my home beautiful, all as a grateful mom of a husband who works so hard.  Then.....WHAM,  affair.  Anyone ever have that happen to them? Does it make you feel like your world just tilted off its axis? Everything you held dear and sacred all of a sudden up for grabs and unsure?  Well, that happened to me almost a year ago.

First,  SHOCK! Second, what can I do to make this right? It took me a long time to figure out that it had nothing to do with me and everything to do with my husband who was unhappy and did not know why.  Oh, of course, he blamed everything on me.   I am controlling, I try to fix him, I make him drink, I keep an untidy house, I don't have enough water in the fridge after he runs.....on and on I could go of the travesties bestowed upon me during this time.  And you know what? I took it.  I evaluated my life as a mom and wife and found myself lacking. So....I threw myself in full throttle.  Water? Check. Clothes laundered? check.  Dinner ready? Check.  House clean and picked up? Check.

You know what, I was chasing something that was not even the reason for the affair.  It took me a while to realize it was not me.  It was him.  Oh he came back after the yo yo-ing of 3 months and begged me to take him back.. I did.  With caution of course but I did.

Comfortability sets in.  Declarations of love sets in.  Black eyed peas at 12:01 a.m. of 1/1/15 is a reality.  Then, February 10.....I am done with the merry go round of trying. I am out of gas. I have not more to give.

What the fuck??????????? You don't have this you say? You who had the affair? You who kissed another woman??? You who bought another woman dinners????? While by the way I took care ofm the kids at home.  YOU?????? YOU????? Can't do this?????

I have tried to put those images of your make out sessions out of my mind.  And I am not stupid, it was more than making out. You swore on our kids lives you didn't have sex but you are a cheating liar. And yet you are the one who can't take it anymore.

Well, I have news for you.  I don't want you.  My kids, MY BOYS, don't need an example like you as a father as to how to treat a woman.  You told me last week, you don't treat me like you should.  As a man, and an example to your boys, you absolutely should be doing that regardless how you feel about me.  And you know what? I am a damn good mom! I am there and fun and crazy and compassionate and patient.  I am the shit!

I have news for you, I will not be played by or manipulated by you anymore.  I am my own wonderful woman and I will succeed in life with or without you. I told you that you are the cherry on my sundae, you accentuate my life.  But, that is it.  I can have my yummy sundae alone.  You are the one missing out on all that I have been and could be for you.  Unfortunately uou have pride and ass holey ways about you that don't allow you to actually act like a 40 year old.  Your loss.....