The very ugly D word

I know that Divorce happens. I know people who have been thru it, seen people who have been thru it and while I have thought it sucks and is sad and how awful and thank goodness that is not me…..it is now me.  I am a statistic.  My kids are those kids with the divorced parents. They will answer the questions one day: "How old were you when your parents divorced?"  How depressing and sad.  I had such high hopes and quite frankly, no doubts, Ryan and I would be the ones who made it.  Nope.

When you have to realize your dreams have vanished before your eyes and go thru that grieving process, you are never the same.  Your kids are never the same. They will forever be tainted and damaged from this.  

I feel angry about this. I feel sad about this. I feel betrayed by this. I feel that life is not fair when it comes to this.  Life isn't fair though.  Life is full of hardships and betrayal and love and light.  It's a mix.  I try to bring that mix to my boys life and I try to give the love and light.  My boys will be ok.  I pray.  

I see the  hurt in them. I meet with their teachers and talk to their counselors, and even themselves, about their sadness. Their world was turned upside down and shaken and killed as they knew it. Unfortunately, their innocence was broken too early in their lives.  While that give me unbearable pain, and hurts my heart, I know that it will be ok.  For us all.  

God is in our home. God is in our lives. God will take care of us and protect us and He always loves us.  We will be ok, thru him.  I pray we walk his path.  

Still trying to cope and understand

After 9 months of living apart and filing for divorce and sharing kids and hating life, I see sometimes a small glimmer of happiness.  The ups and downs are unbearable.  All you want, all I want is to be loved again and appreciated.  Not by just anyone but by my husband. The one who was supposed to be there for me thru thick and thin, sickness and health.  I honored that commitment.  He did not.

I fought hard all last summer, 2014, for my family and my marriage.  Honesty was never a part of the whole picture on his side.  I found out the whole truth this last summer.  Ugly and painful as it was, and still is, I am glad to know the truth - I think.

I feel so alone. I feel so sad. At least I beyond the drifting aimlessly stage.  My life is still in flux but at least I pull myself together and know I will be ok.  I have to be for three boys who are counting on me for their love and stability.  My heart aches for them with a pain so deep and real that I can barely breathe sometimes.

I pity myself, I do sometimes.  I can't help it. I thought I had this life with three beautiful boys and a great husband.  Turns out, he showed his true colors several times and I ignored them.  I couldn't ignore them this time.  I had to stand up for me and the boys and take no more.

I am strong. I will be ok.  My boys will be ok. I pray every day to my heavenly Father and I know he has not forsaken us.

The days can be dark but there are some that are filled with bright light.  I cherish those days and know they will come more and more.