It's already September

I can't believe the new school year has already started.  My boys are in school, growing as fast as weeds, climbing each academic year as fast as they can.  Me? I am not digging it.  I really don't care for the fact that my oldest will be in Jr High next year. I fear I will blink and he will be a Senior in high school and gone.  The twins still have a couple years thank goodness.

They are adjusting to this new life of just the 4 of us.  A new life where they are shared among their parents rather than thriving in an environment that is of a nuclear nature.  A life that they never asked for but was thrust upon them.  They do well....almost all the time. That is when I start to think that we have this and we are ok. Then, Bam!!!!  A cry, a pain, a sound.....and one of the boys brings the pain in their heart to my reality that I have so naively been trying to think is ok.  The pain of their heart is not one I can describe because their pain is my pain and my pain for them is unspeakable. There are no words.  It is utter devastation done at the hands of someone they trusted the most and now is the disneyland person of their world. While I, who stood steady, who is their security, who would die for them, take their beatings of self doubt and anger and unease.

What I can say, after that negative paragraph that I felt was filled with plenty of description, is that after a lot and I mean A LOT of therapy, they are better of with me alone and with him alone. Me alone because I had so much resentment for me being the only parent and it flowed down to them thru our everyday life.  He alway was on the computer unless he was cooking. That is it folks. I could never get him to go to anything with the family. It was a chore to him. He couldn't wait for them to go to bed so adult activities of alcohol and tobacco could be enjoyed without the eyes of innocents.

It has taken many months but I have discovered a whole new wonderful life with just me and my boys and NO resentment on the side. We laugh and play and have fun. And, we have problems and squirmishes and everything in between but I love it. There is no anxiety on the side, or nervousness on the side. It is ALL ME and the BOYS ONLY.  That is the positive to this negative equation - the joy I have now is uncompared to the joy then. Yes, I had a husband. But, he wasn't present from the time the twins were 6 months old until we parted ways.  I accommodated and I made excuses and I lived with constant resentment.

I have discovered that I accommodate. I always have. It's my pattern. Well folks, no more accommodating. Accommodating got me to here and that is not good. I need to be me and not care who gets upset about it. I have realized today that I am always going to make someone unhappy with my choices, my parents, my ex my children - you know what - I am ME and I OWN it and that is it! I won't apologize. 42 and finally finding herself. It's a gift, hard fought and won. But it is.

Love your children and enjoy every moment, every smell (good and bad) and every snuggle.  Do it without resentment because I've learned that the children, the innocents in this, deserve it. They deserver me to be accountable, reliable, there! That's it at its most basic level.

Summer has come around again

It has been 4 months since I last posted.  A lot has changed and a lot has stayed the same.

The good news is that I am stronger and happier than I have been.  I adore my boys and they have literally saved me, along with the love and support of my parents.  Friends have been major as well.  The ex has been one in which I am glad to be done with.  I didn't know it, but after a lot of soul searching and praying, we just are two way different people.  One who is selfish and arrogant and it took a lot for me to really realize it but it is true.

That person can't help it. That is the way they are. They are incapable of change, straight from the horses mouth. I can change. I am joyful, straight from my soul.  I am drawn to light and joy from others, my kids, my friends, new friends and so on.  I am not letting the latest yo-yo from the ex bring me down which is a big step. 

I am growing and thriving :)

After two years of intense emotional pain, fear and loneliness, I am about to the finish line.  I am so happy to be there.  The journey has been hard and no doubt I will have moments of weakness or steps back.  But, I am always moving forward. I have plans, I have a life, I have beautiful children, I have God.  I am very grateful.

Healing is slow

The long....slow.....process of healing is happening but like I said, it is long and slow.  So many different stages and feelings and mourning.  I have started back to work full time.  It has been liberating in a lot of ways.  I feel more independent and stronger.  My support system is insane!  It is so wonderful.  I am truly blessed by all the people in my life who love me and my kids and support us.

I didn't choose this for myself so it has been hard accepting the way my life was turned upside down, especially the way my kids lives were basically destroyed.  The party who did choose it appears to be happy as a clam and onto GF # 3.

I have come to see first hand, the selfishness that occurs with the behavior that has been done towards me and that has been hard.  It has been hard because the kids are NUMBER 1 with me and ALWAYS will be.  The other party can say that all they want, but unless it is backed up with actions, it means nothing. I have been shown that so many times and I always try to see the other side.  I can finally say I am done trying to see that side.  It is no longer a side of that person.

That person is searching for whatever gives it the feel good of the moment, the here and the now.  Not the future because that person doesn't know how to look beyond today.

I look beyond today and know my future is bright and happy with beautiful boys.  If my boys are all I ever have, that is beyond enough.  I desire love again, I desire companionship but I am content because I know that I am there for my boys no matter what.  No matter who I am seeing or what plans I might have, I will drop it all in a moment's notice to be there.  Always.

God has our backs.  He won't leave us.  I have prayed so many times for God to shine his light in this persons heart - I have quit asking that.  God knows what that person needs, I don't.  So I just give the person over and that is all I can do.

Faith, love, my kids...that's all I need.