It's already September

I can't believe the new school year has already started.  My boys are in school, growing as fast as weeds, climbing each academic year as fast as they can.  Me? I am not digging it.  I really don't care for the fact that my oldest will be in Jr High next year. I fear I will blink and he will be a Senior in high school and gone.  The twins still have a couple years thank goodness.

They are adjusting to this new life of just the 4 of us.  A new life where they are shared among their parents rather than thriving in an environment that is of a nuclear nature.  A life that they never asked for but was thrust upon them.  They do well....almost all the time. That is when I start to think that we have this and we are ok. Then, Bam!!!!  A cry, a pain, a sound.....and one of the boys brings the pain in their heart to my reality that I have so naively been trying to think is ok.  The pain of their heart is not one I can describe because their pain is my pain and my pain for them is unspeakable. There are no words.  It is utter devastation done at the hands of someone they trusted the most and now is the disneyland person of their world. While I, who stood steady, who is their security, who would die for them, take their beatings of self doubt and anger and unease.

What I can say, after that negative paragraph that I felt was filled with plenty of description, is that after a lot and I mean A LOT of therapy, they are better of with me alone and with him alone. Me alone because I had so much resentment for me being the only parent and it flowed down to them thru our everyday life.  He alway was on the computer unless he was cooking. That is it folks. I could never get him to go to anything with the family. It was a chore to him. He couldn't wait for them to go to bed so adult activities of alcohol and tobacco could be enjoyed without the eyes of innocents.

It has taken many months but I have discovered a whole new wonderful life with just me and my boys and NO resentment on the side. We laugh and play and have fun. And, we have problems and squirmishes and everything in between but I love it. There is no anxiety on the side, or nervousness on the side. It is ALL ME and the BOYS ONLY.  That is the positive to this negative equation - the joy I have now is uncompared to the joy then. Yes, I had a husband. But, he wasn't present from the time the twins were 6 months old until we parted ways.  I accommodated and I made excuses and I lived with constant resentment.

I have discovered that I accommodate. I always have. It's my pattern. Well folks, no more accommodating. Accommodating got me to here and that is not good. I need to be me and not care who gets upset about it. I have realized today that I am always going to make someone unhappy with my choices, my parents, my ex my children - you know what - I am ME and I OWN it and that is it! I won't apologize. 42 and finally finding herself. It's a gift, hard fought and won. But it is.

Love your children and enjoy every moment, every smell (good and bad) and every snuggle.  Do it without resentment because I've learned that the children, the innocents in this, deserve it. They deserver me to be accountable, reliable, there! That's it at its most basic level.